5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage: LESSON 5

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LESSON 5:  Adore Your Wife Liberally   
God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 

Adore her, even when you don’t feel like it.

I believe one of the most astonishing and frightening aspects of marriage in the first years is the apparent departure of the affections we once felt so passionately when we first fell in love. Nevertheless, I see this as the first stage of learning to truly love. We need to acknowledge that love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. In fact, in the first years of marriage, it is more often a choice than it is an emotion. 

Emotions are easy. They don’t cost us anything. Love, on the other hand, is not easy. Love demands sacrifice. Love requires effort. That which costs us little often becomes of little consequence in our lives. Nothing of any value comes free or easy. We instinctively grow to value those things in which we are invested. If I invest my time, energy and money into making my wife feel like she is lovely, adorable, desirable, and the delight of my life, then my attitude will conform to my actions and will eventually characterize my true disposition toward her. I have experienced this to be true in my own life.

God demonstrated this by pouring out his undying love on my undeserving heart, even when I was in my most unlovely state. Devoted love is always demonstrated and sustained through action, regardless of whether or not glamorous feelings are present. 

The early years of a marriage can be extremely difficult. They have been for me. But I have discovered that the more I focus on God’s grace toward me in the midst of my own sin, the more eager I am to be a conduit of that same grace toward my wife despite our conflict. 

My wife and I have both seen how marriage reveals the worst in each other; but this, in turn, reveals the best of God’s grace. And after these first five years we can both attest to the truth that Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins.

5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage: LESSON 4

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LESSON 4: Practice Vulnerability—Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble… Philippians 2:3a (NLT)

We go through our lives learning how to mask weakness, failure and inadequacies in ourselves. It’s ironic that marriage is designed by God in part to reveal precisely those same areas we have spent our lives trying to hide. If you carefully consider what lies at the heart of most marketing ploys you will discover an accusing message that says, “You are inadequate. You are insignificant. You are incompetent. But if you consume what we offer then you all that will change” (Interestingly, this is also what lies at the heart of the pornographic deception). 

We are bombarded with these messages daily. The result is that subconsciously we begin to believe that we will only be loved, accepted and valued as long as we are seen to be adequate and in control. We then forward the favor to our wives, measuring her against the same impossible standard with which we measure ourselves. This erodes our trust in each other and the very foundation upon which a marriage is built—unconditional love and acceptance in spite of our flaws. 

 

The way to combat this seductive message is through vulnerability—opening ourselves up to objective criticism from our wives. The following are some practical questions we need to ask our wives on a regular basis: 

     “What are some things I’ve done this week that irritated you or others around me?"

     "How have you seen weaknesses or shortcomings demonstrated in my life this week?"

     "Will you forgive me?"

     "What are some steps I can do to improve?"

     "Will you stand by me, help me and try to be patient with me as I seek to improve?"

     "Will you pray with me right now for God’s grace to do better?”

5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage: LESSON 3

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LESSON 3:  Forgive Freely—Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:12 (ESV)

The more clearly we see our own sin, the more clearly we see the magnitude of God’s tender mercy toward us in Christ. This stunning realization awakens in us the same merciful disposition toward our wives that God reveals toward us.

We see this demonstrated in Jesus’ treatment of the prostitute who bowed at his feet, weeping on them with adoration and love as she poured costly perfume on them. She then used her hair and tear-mingled perfume to wash the dust off his feet. The hypocritical Pharisee observing this thought to himself, “If only he knew who was touching his feet...” Jesus, perceiving his hypocrisy, asked him a question: “Two people owed money to a lender. One owed 500 pieces of silver, the other 50 pieces. Neither could pay, so the lender kindly cancelled both debts. Which one would be more grateful?” The answer was obvious, even to the hypocrite.

I have come to realize that my ability to forgive my wife is like a barometer that reveals my awareness of my own sin and God’s grace toward me. That’s why seeing my own sin is so important. The more I recognize that my personal sin is what nailed the innocent Nazarene to the cross—it was I who mocked him and reviled him, and spit on him—and then behold his response which said, “Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he does,” how can I do anything less than forgive my wife for her offenses toward me?

5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage: LESSON 2

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LESSON 2:  See My Own Sin Clearly—Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Matthew 7:3 (ESV)

I need to see my own sin, flaws and failures more quickly and more clearly than those of my wife. Every day pride seduces me to come down from the watchtower of my heart. “You’re not so bad. Your sin is far off. You haven’t done that in a while. You’re all good!” But it’s a lie. The truth is that sin lurks in and around every corner of my heart, and is woven into the fabric of everything I do. I must diligently practice a posture of oversight in every area of my life. 

Every time my wife annoys, attacks, or offends me, I need to immediately ask myself:

     “How have I contributed to this?"

     "What have I done recently that has similarly offended her?"

     "Why am I irritated?" 

     "How have I been failing her or how have I allowed her to arrive at a place where she is tempted to attack me?” 

Many times I may actually be innocent. But developing this discipline of “soul over-watch” has taught me that I’m far less innocent, far more often, than I think I am. I am able to see my own offenses and how they are often part of what provokes my wife to sin.

5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage: LESSON 1

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LESSON 1: Repent Often—For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret… 2 Corinthians 7:10a (ESV)

Repentance is a beautiful, supernatural grace that the Spirit causes in our hearts. It results from seeing the guilt of my sin through God’s eyes and leads me joyfully to surrender to the authority of the one who saves me from that guilt—Jesus. The more I repent, the more I see Jesus and the glory of the grace of his sacrifice in my life. I am transformed by this power and am conformed into his image.

As I repent, my stubborn, offensive will begins to shrink. It is replaced by the personality of Jesus, as the presence of His Spirit is released in me and touches my wife’s heart. As this transpires, two marvelous benefits occur:

(1) Jesus’ unconditional love—not my wife or the condition of our marriage—defines my life. I am liberated from depending on her for joy and validation. Therefore, my joy in life does not fluctuate based on the circumstances of my marriage, but remains steadfastly rooted in God’s unchanging love poured out in Christ. I am empowered to love my wife regardless of whether or not she treats me as I want to be treated.

(2) My wife is exposed to the transforming power of Jesus’ grace in me, and most often her heart melts under the radiance of that grace. That is the power of the Gospel, and it is all released through repentance.

5 Crucial Lessons from My First 5 Years of Marriage-INTRO

“I’m sick of your nagging!” I yelled, slapping my hand down on the table. “It was an accidental slurp for goodness’ sake!”

The truth was that as much as I was working on curtailing my soup and cereal slurps at the table, the soup was indeed extremely hot. It truly was only a slurp-slip up, and not done intentionally. The problem was that my unconscionable table manners and rudeness in our first year of marriage was something she came to expect. I failed to understand how painful the underlying issues were that caused her to be so easily irritated and I often exploited it to just that end—simply because I could, and because I have a wicked sin nature that loves a romp in the slop. I was innocent on this occasion, however, and she would pay for her unjustified nagging.

After a string of expletives I picked up my soup and stomped through the kitchen out the back door, slamming it behind me as I exited. I took a few super-slurps, hoping she could hear me inside. But I couldn’t enjoy it. I set the bowl down and just dropped my head in exasperation and shame. Lifting my head, I noticed the dilapidated wooden privacy fence in my back yard. “God,” I asked, “why do we always fail so bad? Why does this marriage feel so much like that broken-down fence?”

I’ve talked to and counseled with a lot of men in the five years since that slurp. Apparently, incidents like that aren’t so uncommon in the early years of marriage. The first year, especially, is often the most difficult for many couples. The sweetness of romance can quickly disappear, replaced with the reality of one another’s flaws. And silently, as desperation sinks in, each person quietly wonders, “Is this really forever?”

As difficult as our first year of marriage was, however, both my wife and I can gratefully testify that as we celebrate our fifth year of marriage we have fallen more deeply in love and affection for each other than we ever thought possible. We are able to celebrate the joy that God has woven into our lives, and see his grace in using those painful conflicts as a way of laying down for us the foundation we desperately need in order for our marriage to endure.

In anticipation of my five-year anniversary, I recently sat down and reflected on some of the most important principles I learned as a husband trying to make sense of my first year of marriage.Hopefully, those 5 lessons in the following posts will be meaningful for you, too.

Leader Battalion Religious Support Team Battlefield Circulation

Build Well-INTRODUCTION

One ruck march--that's all it took for my brand new RFI mountain boots to start coming apart at the seams. They appeared to be great boots. Appearances can be deceiving. It turns out they weren't built very well.  Recently I was writing the message for a wedding ceremony I performed.  As I was encouraging the bride and groom to remember that marriage is made of daily choices, born out of a commitment to put the other person first, I was reminded of how utterly difficult that is. I reflected on my own first year of marriage and some of the fights I had with my own wife. Honestly, marriage is difficult!  So is much of life.  That's why it's so important to build our lives on a sure foundation--one that will not fail us when the storms batter against the walls of our lives.  We need to build in such a way so that when things get tough, we won't start coming apart at the seams like those boots did after only five miles.   Jesus said, Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash (Matthew 7:24-27).  The torn seam in those boots is a reminder to me of how desperately I need to be soaking my mind in the truth of God's Word every day through preaching, reading, prayer, and fellowship with other Christ-followers.  Otherwise, I will surely begin building on a faulty foundation. Let's encourage each other toward a sure foundation. What are some steps we can begin taking to ensure we are doing that? Let's take those steps.  Let's build well together.

Climb! PART 1

Training to Win

800 repetitions of 18" step ups while wearing 40 lbs.   That's the equivalent of taking one 18" step up with 16 tons on your back. This is just one of the 30 workouts the Leader Rakkasans used to prepare for the mountains of Eastern Afghanistan.  It's designed for the legs and the lungs, so that our Warriors can climb and patrol in high altitude while still being physically capable of dominant combat.  Can you imagine our Soldiers being told, "Those mountains will be tough, but you don't need to prepare.  Just sleep in during P.T.  We'll see you at work at 0930"? That would not only be foolish, but that would be criminally negligent leadership. 

Failing to Train

Nevertheless, this lazy, unprepared mentality is often what we are lulled into when it comes to being prepared for our personal life.  Life is hard! It throws all kinds of unexpected trials our way.  Every day we are met with challenges in every aspect of our life--work, finances, health, marriage and family.    How can we expect to withstand the rigors of life and still have the energy left over to actually enjoy it, if we’re not being trained to do so?  How can we confront disappointments and setbacks and still live with joy if we haven't been preparing our mind and our heart in such a way that empowers us to live life victoriously? 

The answer is simply that we can't.  If we fail to train ourselves spiritually, preparing our souls for the hardship of life, we will buckle under the pressure.  We will break somewhere, at some time, in some way.  We might lose our integrity at work; or lose our credibility with co-workers.  We might lose our temper with our kids or go deeper into debt.  Perhaps we will develop dependence on food or drink.  For many of us, it will destroy our marriages.  Even if we are fortunate enough to make it through the climb of a particular challenge, we will not have the strength left to actually enjoy the view.  Life will become bitter to us and we will begin to search frantically for something--anything--to fill the void and give our lives meaning. Simply put, we will lose the fight.

Learning to Train

That's why Paul exhorted his young friend, Timothy, with the following words:

… train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. (1 Timothy 4:7-8)

We need to train our minds and prepare our hearts. How do we do that?  Just like our Warriors prepare each morning for mountain combat with physical training, we need to subject our minds to the transformative power of the truths of the Bible.  We must open our lives to communion with God through the mystery of prayer.  We must share our lives with each other, learning from each other's successes and failures, and encouraging each other in the journey.  We need to hear what God's Word has to say and then learn to submit to the authority of that Word in our lives. 

Climb!

If we truly want to climb to new heights in our lives, we must conduct the spiritual training necessary to reach those places.  Training isn't easy.  But as we do it we will begin accomplishing growth and achieving new heights in our lives like we had only dreamed of before.  Take that first step.  Pick up a Bible today. 

"You, This is Me" PART 1

    "You ready to call in some close air support, Chappy?"
The NCO's question took me by surprise. I had been observing the training exercise, but wasn't quite expecting to get to take part in it myself.
    "Sure I'm ready!" I wasn't ready. "What do I do?"
    "Write down these lines, and repeat them to the pilot." The NCO proceeded to list the lines, beginning with the first: "LINE 1: You, this is me."
    This was the line where I was supposed to address the pilot by his call sign and indicate who was asking for support.  I wasn't literally supposed to say, 'You, this is me.' The idea of a Soldier on the ground actually addressing a pilot in this manner is ludicrous. I was supposed to replace the "YOU" with the pilot's call sign, and the "ME" with my call sign. But I was nervous, and I choked. All the high-speed Soldiers around me were trying not to snicker too loudly when I addressed the pilot, saying, "You, this is me." The pilot responded, "Uhm, excuse me?"
   "Wait, erase that!" I looked at the NCO who was trying not to laugh, "Can I have said 'erase that'?" The NCO took the mic from me with a smile and told the pilot what was going on. The OH-58 helicopter passed over and turned around for another run.  This time I did a little better. I think the pilot probably had a good time later that night over some beers with his friends. I cringe just thinking about what he must have said: "So, no joke, there I was supporting a training exercise when a chaplain comes online. Guess what he said?" I'm sure I was the brunt of many jokes I would never hear.
    You know, prayer can seem to a lot of people like calling in close air support felt to me. It's one of those things we all know we should do; but the thought of actually doing it intimidates many of us. It's easy to think that it's something better left to "experts."
    It's really not that difficult, though. It's simply a matter of talking to God according to the particular circumstance you're in. In my observation of Scripture, I see five basic kinds of prayer that can be categorized this way: 
1) Adoration
2) Confession
3) Thanksgiving
4) Supplication
5) Fellowship
   These categories spell the acronym "ACTS-F." I will explain these simple types of prayer, and demonstrate how easy it is to practice them. 

Promises for Tomorrow; Strength for Today Part 2

When I think about my wife and the joy of seeing her again in nine months, a surge of emotion shoots into my stomach, like a jolt of electricity.

My joy in anticipating the reunion that will happen is based on the reality of what I know to be true about her love for me. It’s not something I’m unsure of. I know she will be waiting for me with her loving embrace because of my history with her and her demonstration of that love in the past.

The same is true with heaven.

This is my point: the hope of heaven is very real, not because some tradition says it’s real, or because some sage wrote about it on a piece of paper thousands of years ago, or because a lot of people believe it’s true. The hope of heaven is real because it’s grounded in the truth of what happened on the cross and in the resurrection of Jesus. The truth of what Jesus did validates the Scriptures that speak of Heaven, and thus gives me something real to look forward to and savor with anticipation in my present moment. It gives me an anchor to hold on to when the storm is raging.

What Jesus did 2,000 years ago establishes a precedent from which I can expect Heaven to be a reality I can hope in. This precedent gives me confidence in the future which, in turn, gives me peace for today and sustains me. It’s not a whim. It’s a reality. The past and the future are beautiful for me! Not because I envision it through positive thinking, but because God made it so for me through his action. That leaves me in the present with nothing to do but live joyfully, knowing full well that I am secure. And not only am I secure, but who I am and what I do has significance in light of eternity. It’s like an Oreo of hope! I am securely sandwiched in the middle of the goodness of what happened in the past, and the glory of what will happen in the future.

A friend I was worrying to once said, “Pete, when you have one foot in yesterday, lamenting what once was, and one foot in tomorrow, worrying about what will be, you are in perfect position to pee on today.”

Well, that’s not exactly elegant, but it’s absolutely true. As a son of God, I should never be in that position! Jesus has deleted my guilty history, replacing it with his righteousness. And God has deposited in my future the glorious hope of the New Heaven and the New Earth. Because I’m sealed in those promises, today looks better than ever!

Let’s remove our feet from the sorrows of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow and stand firmly planted in the joy-giving promises of today. (And the next time you eat an Oreo, remember that the creamy middle is the joyful hope we have today sandwiched between the reality of the cross and the reality of the New Heaven and the New Earth!)

Baptism for SPC Mitchell (D CO MEDIC)

Not everyone comes from the same faith tradition as I do. Yet it is a sacred calling to support our Soldiers in any way that they are striving to grow spiritually and personally, regardless of their background.

In this case, SPC Patrick Mitchell wanted to declare his faith publicly, in front of his peers. As a chaplain who follows Jesus Christ, it was my great privilege to help him do so through baptism.

In this event, Soldiers got to witness how faith makes a person stronger and more resilient.  

BAPTISM:
As I explained in SPC Mitchell's baptism, baptism itself does not take away anyone's sins. It is an outward sign of obedience that represents an inward reality of the heart that one is turning away from sin and placing their faith in Jesus Christ to remove their sin and replace it with the perfect righteousness of Jesus himself. 

A Letter to our Leader Rakkasan Families

Dear Spouses and Families of our Leader Rakkasan Soldiers,

As I prepare to step on a plane today I feel the gloom and sadness of departing from my own wife and family. As I do, my mind immediately turns to all of you who have already said your goodbyes, or are going to today. And as if the pain wasn't bad enough for you, many of you have children at home who had to watch Daddy explain he was leaving for a long time and will be back soon. There aren't any words to make this separation any easier or to make it seem more tolerable. The pain is just there, and the sooner you can put your Soldier on a plane, the sooner you can get into your routine without him, and then the sooner you can forget how much it hurts, all the while marking off the days of the deployment calendar. For many of you, you've had to do this more times than you care to remember. For many of you, this is your first time. In any case, my heart is heavy for you. 

Although there is nothing I can do to take away the pain of this absence, as your chaplain, it is my sacred calling to serve your Soldier in any way I can to help strengthen his heart and mind while he is engaged in the fight so far from you. I make a commitment to you to do everything I can to be there for your Soldier and to offer him everything I am able to in way of spiritual and emotional support. I cannot ease your own sadness, but you can be assured that your Soldier will have a chaplain downrange who is caring for him, praying for him, and encouraging him in the difficulty of deployment.

As for you, my ability to support you will be limited. However, you can be assured that I will be praying for you. Furthermore, you will always be able to reach me via email. Let me know if you need me to make a personal visit with your Soldier to discuss anything specific and I'll do my best to make it happen. You are not alone or isolated. There are many people at home who stand ready to support and encourage you. All you need to do is ask.

One of my prayers is that many of our Rakkasans will take advantage of this time to grow spiritually. While we're downrange, I will be offering opportunities for spiritual growth to your Soldier. I will be doing my best to travel to each COP to visit each company on a regular basis--as weather and the fight permits. We will be having Bible studies, and I will begin preaching a series in the book of Philippians. I will try my best to upload some of our sermons to this blog so you can see what your Soldier is experiencing. Also, I will be posting to this blog different articles and devotionals throughout the deployment. I invite you to sign up if you'd like to be notified whenever I share something new. (just enter your email address in the "follow this blog" window to the right).

I know that not all of our families come from the same faith tradition. Nevertheless, this can still be a time for you to grow spiritually according to your own faith. Just like I do for our Soldiers, I make myself available to you to give encouragement in your own pursuit of spiritual growth.  Don't lose this time. Make the most of it!

I am so proud of you and your Soldier. I consider it the greatest privilege in the world to serve as your chaplain. May God strengthen you and our Leader Rakkasans as we set out to accomplish our mission.

Sincerely,
Chaplain Stone
pete.stone@us.army.mil

Promises for Tomorrow; Strength for Today Part 1

 “Listen,” he said, “we’re going up to Jerusalem, where the Son of Man will be betrayed to the leading priests and the teachers of religious law. They will sentence him to die.  Then they will hand him over to the Romans* to be mocked, flogged with a whip, and crucified. But on the third day he will be raised from the dead.” ^{[1] Mathew 20:18-19}

As I prepare to depart to Afghanistan for nine months, I feel the gloom of departure and separation from my loved ones hanging over my head. It’s a deep, heaviness that sits in the pit of my stomach. It reminds me of what all of us as humans confront in one way or another in our every day lives.  It’s the dread one feels the night before a big exam, or when the bills are overdue and we don’t know how we’ll make the payment, or when we’re about to find out if we have cancer, or if we’re able to have children. In one way or another, we all confront difficult ordeals in our lives.

When I consider Jesus’ final days before his death, close observation of the Scriptures reveals heaviness in Jesus.  He knew his closest friends didn’t understand or know what was about to happen and he felt alone and sad. Yet when I consider what Jesus was about to endure, I’m ashamed to say I feel skeptical of the difficulty.  I think to myself: “Well, easy for him to endure it! He’s God for crying out loud, and he knew he would simply rise from the dead!” I’m ashamed to say that I secretly think it must have been easier for Jesus to go through that ordeal than it is for many humans to go through what we have to go through at times in this world. After all, we don’t have the luxury of being GOD!

However, truth confronts my skepticism about the magnitude of Jesus’ pain and our own ability to face suffering with the same kind of poise and confidence as Jesus did. Philippians 2 teaches us that Jesus laid aside his diving privileges when he became a human (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phil%202:6-8&version=NLT ).  That means that he became fully what we are and emptied himself of any luxuries that would have made life any easier than it would have been for any of us. In other words, as the hour of his death approached, he encountered the difficulty with as much pain and grief as you or I encounter difficulty.

At this point I ask myself the question, what carried him through? What propelled him forward into the very teeth of that horrible death he knew he would suffer?

I think the writer of the letter to the Hebrews gives us a clue when he says that it was for the joy set before him that Jesus endured the cross.  Jesus’ joy was based on a reality that had not yet fully come to pass. His joy came from faith in the promise of his Father that through his death, all things in heaven and on earth would culminate in perfection. All the pain and suffering, grief and injustice of this world would be eradicated and replaced by Earth 2.0—the New Heaven and the New Earth. This promise for the future is what sustained Jesus in the darkest hour of his painful ordeal. 

I confess that such a promise—that is, the promise of the New Heaven and the New Earth—often seems far off and intangible in light of what many of us are facing today. But that might be an indicator that we have far too small a vision of how marvelous that reality will be when we finally arrive there. God gave us that promise for a reason. It was what sustained Jesus. It can—and should be—what sustains us. 

So while the gloom of departure still looms, I’m comforted to know that the promises Jesus hoped in are the same promises available for me. The same tools Jesus had at his disposal to endure the cross are the same tools available to me to endure my trial. 

God, deepen my understanding and appreciation for the significance of this brilliant truth! Please teach me more about the future hope you have given me through Christ that all things will be made perfect in the New Heaven and the New Earth. Teach me more about how that sustains me in my trials today. Give me an unshakable trust in your promise that lifts me above my circumstances and propels me forward with confidence so that I can live with joy in the face of difficulty. In Jesus’ name I pray.

---

^[1] Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 20:18–19). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.